2009

It’s almost the New Year. Almost 2009. Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday that my baby girl and baby boy were born. 2009 means Jenalyn is only one more year away from starting school. I’m not ready for that – but won’t allow myself to think about that yet!

The New Year is a time when people choose to make resolutions. For some reason, the turn of a new year sparks a desire in people to change their lives and set goals for the next year. More often than not these goals are not accomplished. Why? Maybe it’s the hype of making resolutions and not a true desire for the change. That’s not to say all resolutions fail, but I can honestly say none of mine have ever lasted past the first 3 weeks! I choose to look at things differently.

This year, New Years is different for me. My life has already changed drastically. I don’t think I need to make any resolutions beyond living day by day and finding the positive in every situation. To me, resolutions can be made any day of the year, not just January 1. But this year, January 1 is more than a start of a new year. It’s a start of a different life. It’s the start of figuring out who I am and what I want in life. It’s the start of doing things on my own. It’s the start of developing strength. It’s the start of finding a happiness, peace and contentment I long for. It’s a time to embrace the present and look to the future, day by day. It’s a time to tell those around me that I love them. It’s a time to tell myself I love me. It’s a time to realize the blessings in my life. It’s a time to realize there are struggles but that I can gain the strength to move through them.

I wish all of my friends and family all the best in the New Year. I pray for you to feel love and to love. I pray for you to feel true happiness – not just a outward smile, but that your heart is smiling. I pray for you to find peace in all aspects of your life. Don’t get caught up in making resolutions to lose weight or to save more money or to take a trip. Think about what really matters in life and resolve to embrace those things. That is where you will find true happiness and love and peace.

Life's A Dance

For some people scents or sights can transfer a person back to another time in their life. They can bring back memories of a good time or a bad time. Remind them of where the have come from and where they are going.

Music does this for me. Certain songs and sounds can instantly send my mind back to a particular time. It can feel so real, to the point that I can even smell those surroundings, hear what was going on around me, and feel almost as deeply if not as deeply as I did in that moment. This is a true blessing and a gift to me. But at times is something I wish I didn’t have the ability to experience. There are some times in life I’d rather forget but yet know that without those experiences, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So I choose to be thankful for the gift and learn from the experiences and memories.

Those that have read this blog or know me know how important music is to me. How I don’t just listen to the music, I read the lyrics, feel the lyrics, and can interpret them into my life. I know that each song writer has their own story behind the lyrics but so many times I feel like they are writing about my life – about my struggles – about the good things I’m experiencing and feeling. I guess that’s the most amazing thing about music and why so many people love it as much as I do. How it can be such a comfort to those with a broken heart, to those struggling with something, to those who just want to celebrate, and for any other reason.

Because of how deeply music and lyrics touch me I often spend a good portion of worship time at church in tears. I can connect to the music and more often than not those who have written the songs (both religious and secular) have found a way to say what I long to say, in a much better way.

I’m known to send songs to friends or a note saying, “hey you have to listen to this song…”. When I send that note, it’s very rare that I’m sending it because I just like the song. It’s because the lyrics mean something special to me, that I think that friend would relate to the lyrics, or simply that the song lyrics/melody made me think of the friend immediately. I know not everyone connects the same way with music as I do but find this is the best way for me to sometimes let people know I’m thinking about them and care about them.

Some of the songs that hold a special place in my heart and always transport me to another place in mind and heart, more times than not bringing tears to my eyes are listed below. (And apparently I have country-music loving kids!)

Amazing Grace: As much as this is a beautiful song, I always associate it with a “funeral song”. Every funeral I went to growing up had this song played at it. I have a very hard time hearing the song for what it is and what it says without associating it in this way and thinking of those who have passed away – bringing tears to my eyes.

How Great Thou Art: same as above. I have vowed that these two songs will NOT be played at my funeral.

Old Rugged Cross: I remember my mom and I standing at the sink washing and drying dishes singing this song growing up.

Roll With Me – Montgomery Gentry: This is a new song on the radio right now. I heard it and instantly loved it. Jenalyn has an incredible love of music and always asks to hear this song too. Everytime it’s on the radio she sings it word for word at the top of her lungs with me. It came on the radio on Sunday on the way to the farm – so each time I hear it right now, reminds me of how much I miss her (and Tarren).

She’s A Butterfly – Martina McBride: This was the only song that would stop Jenalyn from crying as I rocked her to sleep for months as a baby. As much as I wished those days would hurry and pass, I would love to have the days back when I could just hold her, have her cuddle up to me and hold my baby girl.

Didn’t Even See The Dust “Shotgun” – Paul Brandt: This is the ONLY song that when Tarren gets worked up calms him right down, puts a smile on his face, and then he starts dancing.

This is only a short list – there are many more songs that I could name, but will keep those to myself for now and share them another time.

So sit back, turn on your favourite song, close your eyes, and let the music take hold of you. Let the words speak to you. Let your heart dance with the melody. Remember where you have come from and where you are going.

Life is a dance.

The Door

I've only ever written poetry and stories when I'm upset or feeling really down - never when I'm happy. The words just don't seem to flow as easily. This week I was having a fantastic day and a friend encouraged me to write. This is what I came up with.

I'm standing on a highway in the middle of nowhere alone. Wheat fields on either side of me. I'm standing on the yellow dotted line. Its summer but looks and feels like rain. As I look ahead down the road I see a door and a window but to get to it I need to trek up a hill. I start walking down the road, up the hill until I reach the door. I touch it. It feels warm. I reach for the doorknob and turn it slowly. The door opens and on the other side the sun is shining and the road continues. I take one step over the threshold...then another. I turn around, look back through the door, then close it gently. I start walking down the road. I can feel the sun on my face, there is music in my heart, my steps feel lighter. Almost like I want to dance.

I turn back and see the window. I go up to it and realize that I can look back at what I've left behind me, but the door is locked. I can't go back - only forward, but can always look back to remember where I have come from. But the future is before me. Its time to keep walking down that highway, following those little dotted lines to the next doorway.

Stuck in the mud

Ok. This analogy came to me today and I'm sure anyone who reads this will just laugh and wonder what is wrong with me. Think past the stories/situations. You can see how it resembles life.

Growing up on a farm there were many times we (mom, brother, dad and I) had to chase cattle when either they would break out of the fence, sort them, or move them from pasture to pasture (of course during the coldest, rainiest, snowiest day). (Ok ok...I hid most of the time so I didn't have to go out and chase cattle but I did it enough to come up with these anologies.) Ok, where am I going with this? There really is a life parallel here...just hold on.

Take chasing the cattle from pasture to home (1 mile away from home) for example. Instead of doing things the easy way which would involve bringing the truck and trailer to the pasture, load them in a few at a time, drive them home and let them off in the gate, we would open the gate at the pasture and then have them run down the road all the way home. Does that sound easy? If you think so, then you have never tried it. Remember...the weather is horrible and cattle DO NOT listen. (Dad developed "cow language" - every combination of swears you could ever imagine. Apparently he thought they understood it...I beg to differ.) One of us would be driving the truck pouring chop (ground up grain) on the ground behind the truck to entice them to follow the road. The others would be following them, yelling for them to stay on the road. Of course there was always one that would run off into a field and we had to hope the others didn't follow.

My other example is a little bit better. Take for example you are standing in the cattle pen in your rubber boots in the spring time. You try to move but you are in some of the thickest, heaviest "mud" and you are stuck. Your feet cannot move. Any movement and either you will step right out of your boots into the "mud" or more likely than not, fall flat on your face. Regardless of what you do, you are going to get dirty. You can't just stand there forever not moving forward. So you decide to take a step...and as you suspected, your boots stay firmly planted in the "mud". But, no matter how dirty you are now, it feels so much better to be able to move than to be "stuck". Even if it means you are getting dirty, you know that you are moving ahead.

The second story is so much like my life these days. For so long I felt like I was stuck in the mud and afraid to lose my boots and be walking barefoot in the "mud". But I got to the point where standing still, not moving forward and not moving even backward was only hurting me and those around me. It took a lot of bravery to take that step and risk losing my boots. I did lose the boots but I'm still surviving. I'm still trusting that I'll make it through. But at least there is progress. I'm not standing in one spot anymore. I'm moving ahead. The path is really unclear, but thats ok. I know its there somewhere. I just need to trust that God has a plan for me and my life and that I'll be ok.

I'll be ok. It'll all be ok. It just will take some time and faith.

Be Still

I just wanted to get the lyrics down to a song that has touched my heart. It was part of the church service on Sunday and it brought me to tears. I could relate so closely to the lyrics and I'm sure many others can to.

Be Still - Storyside:B

Remember all the times
the good times and the bad
I'm still holding on to you
Some days I wanna run
and times I come undone
But I still belong to you
Thats how I know that

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I'm here

I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
My heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
But I can tell you

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I'm here

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

Its not just you
And not just me
We all need to believe that
We are not alone

Thank you...

Writing and journaling has always been an outlet for me. A way for me to deal with my emotions. I still have journals from 10 years ago that I go through on occasion. Mostly to see where I was and how far I've come.

Right now, I am on an emotional rollercoaster. There is so much going on and it just seems that every day brings one more challenge. In these times I'm trying to look for a new blessing, something to be thankful for, something to give encouragement. But some days, it is so hard.

This post probably will be scattered...my mind is racing but feel the need to get everything written out. So I apologize if my blog today makes anyone who actually reads this dizzy...(though I'm not sure anyone really will read it...)

On Saturday, my father-in-law passed away. I have known him for 6 years. 5 years ago, doctors told him he had 5 years to live...they were pretty accurate. We all weren't sure that was really going to be the case. Maybe it was denial. Maybe it was hope. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. He made it those 5 years and we will all be forever thankful to have gotten to spend that time with him.

In those 5 years he got the chance to see all three of his children get married (including walk his daughter down the aisle 2 weeks before he passed away), experience the joy of playing with his 5 grandchildren, not to mention all the times he got to spend with other family and friends. He also experienced a dream coming true - opening his own antique museum. It was his pride and joy. I have never seen someone more proud of everything he owned and accomplished than on the Grand Opening day.

Last Friday morning he was rushed to the hospital with kidney failure then liver failure. His children and wife were there by his side and got to say their "I love you's" before he was sedated. They were able to pray by his side and be there for his final breath. I know that is something none of them will ever get out of their mind.

I will be honest. I am so incredibly sad. I was the only one (including the other "in-laws") to not have seen him in the hospital. He may not have known any different, but I do. I was watching the kids and thought that I may have another chance or more time. But God had other plans. 2 weeks ago I had promised that I would make him a few apple pies (he loved the pies I made him). I was to bring them over on the weekend...I didn't get that chance.

The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago at his daughters wedding. He was so incredibly happy and proud. I am so glad that is the last memory I have. I am glad that we have many photos of that day to remember him by. The grandkids will only have vague memories (if any...) so it will be incredibly important for us to keep telling stories and showing photos and telling them how much he loved them.

Anyone who has been in this position can relate - its hard being the one in the family (as an in-law) who is there mostly to provide support and hugs for others, where really I'm feeling broken inside too, but need to hold that back and be the strong one. Where do I then turn to for my support? The immediate family is grieving on such a different level - a deeper level than I am or ever could be, but yet doesn't mean I am not grieving as well. How does one provide enough support and strength and encouragement to others when they need the same themself? My friends are my support. My church is my support. So far I have no idea what I would have done without them.

If there is one thing that has touched me, its how important friends are during times of need. I've always been the friend people go to for help or support and rarely am the one who is in a position to need support. I will be eternally grateful for the friends I have and the support and love they give me. I only hope that I can do the same for them and that they know how much I appreciate them and will always be there for them. I don't even know how to thank them. Just saying thanks doesn't seem to be enough...but for all the love and support they have provided and continue to give me, I don't even know where to begin. But I do hope they know how much I appreciate them and love them.

For all the hugs, the shoulders to cry on, the laughs, the encouragement, the prayers, the cookies and icecream :), the special songs, the ears to listen, the eyes to read my jumbled thoughts typed out... THANK YOU. Thank you more than words could ever say.

What's behind the mask?

Stained Glass Masquerade - Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

*Chorus*
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Chorus x2

Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small



I guess this sort of goes along with the whole "walls" theme. Why do we all feel the need to put on a mask? To pretend everything is fine? That our lives are perfect? And yet we complain that nobody understands us? That nobody has gone through what we are going through or have gone through? Until we start to take off these masks, break down our walls (even just to one other person), nothing will change. We will always feel alone.

This isn't just about the masks of perfection at church - its about everywhere. I'm not saying we should bare our souls to every single person walking down the street that we come in contact with. But with our closest friends. The ones we are supposed to be able to be ourselves with. To lean on for support. To care for. To love. Why can't we just put down the mask, let ourselves be vulnerable. Share what we really feel. What we are going through. Sometimes through our own pain we are helping someone else. Sometimes we really aren't alone in what is happening in our lives - but there is only one way to find out. But it is a terribly scary way to find out.

I'm just as guilty at doing this as everyone else. Sometimes I think I forget what I even look like because its been so long since the mask has been removed. I'm trying, I really am. Around certain people I can take the mask partially off, but it is never fully removed. What will it take to remove the mask fully? I don't know. It's the same thing with the wall. Will it ever come down completely? I doubt it. But I'm slowly chipping away at it.

In the end, to me it comes down to 2 things (well, maybe 3): Trust and Faith...and an awful lot of bravery.

Why Walls...

Well, this is my first post on my first (well second, but first "official") blog. I'm not entirely sure what I'll write about, but those that know me will be the first to say that I won't have a problem thinking of something to write about.

I have titled the blog "Tearing Down the Walls". I'm a wall builder - a mason. I really am a shy person and tend to build walls around me so that I don't get hurt, but in turn that also keeps people out. I'm sure a lot of people do the same thing. I have recently discovered that there are times that building walls is good, but there are also times that it will only hurt you.

Over the past year there have been many changes in my life including a huge move to a city where I knew nobody, starting a home business (that didn't work out), and then starting a new job that I love. It's funny how things seem to fall in place at just the right time...that opportunities present themselves when they are needed most...that God has a hand in our lives. We just need to listen and let Him lead.

So back to the walls...over this past year of massive change I have realized that walls can cause more pain than not having them. That it's worth the risk to take a chance. You only live once. You can't turn the hourglass back over - when that sand runs out, what will you think and feel. Will you be happy? Will you be at peace? Will you have wished you built that wall a little thicker and taller? Or will you be glad you broke it down?

I want to be happy and at peace. And for me, that has meant slowly chipping away at that wall...breaking a tiny hole. Slowly the hole is getting bigger. I'm letting people into my life. Not afraid of being vulnerable. Letting them see the real me. Is it scary? VERY! But is it worth it? MOST DEFINATELY. So far I have developed some of the closest and best friendships I've ever had. And all because I made a decision to stop hiding behind a wall.

But for right now, I think I'll keep slowly breaking the wall down...I'm not quite ready to pull out the jackhammer...maybe in time. ~K